


Three AM Wank

by Sophia_Bee



Series: The Old Guard: Does What it Says on the Tin [3]
Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: M/M, Masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:41:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25747573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sophia_Bee/pseuds/Sophia_Bee
Summary: Nicky and Joe thought they were quiet during their quick and dirty hand job. They weren’t.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Series: The Old Guard: Does What it Says on the Tin [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1867000
Comments: 5
Kudos: 170





	Three AM Wank

**Author's Note:**

> Again, does what it says on the tin. Beta’d and inspired by long discussions with **Leafeylocket** , who puts up with my headcanons and atrocious lack of semi colons.

“You suck.”

Joe looks up from the dented pour-over coffee set he’s been fiddling with for the last five minutes. This safehouse has water, a rusting old stove that works, and for Joe that means strong coffee. He finds Andy standing over him, her eyes bleary, a bit of crust on the edge of one, her dark hair what Nicky would deem ‘nicely tousled’, her mouth twisted into a frown. She looks tired. 

“Boss?” 

“Let me rephrase that. You BOTH suck.” 

Nicky glances up from the book he’s been reading while he sits against the wall, waiting for Joe to make coffee, one eyebrow arched at the mention of his name. It seems he’s now included in whatever has pissed off their esteemed leader. He tosses Andy a confused look then glances at Joe with that same look of confusion. 

“You were not as quiet as you thought.” 

Joe’s mind races, trying to figure out what Andy is talking about then suddenly he realizes…. 

Oh. That. 

Joe glances over at Nicky who is looking a bit scandalized and he remembers how his heavy, full cock had felt in the palm of his hand last night. 

THAT. 

He bites his lip a bit at the memory. 

“I’m sorry we kept you up, Andromache,” Nicky says with that guileless kindness that Joe is so deeply fond of. Centuries have passed and Nicky has never been touched by the cynicism that has touched the rest of them in one way or another. Cynicism that led Booker to betray them, trying to change the future in ways he knew were wrong. Cynicism that led to his banishment. Not Nicky. Never his Nicky. Now Nicky offers Andy the kind of sincerity that can only come from someone whose heart is truly pure. Joe looks at Nicky with so much warmth he feels he might burst. 

“Oh dear Lord, stop!” Andy interrupts, sounding even more exasperated. 

“Stop?” Joe blinks and looks at Andy who is now standing with her arms folded across her chest and looking quite cross.

“Yes, stop. Nicky is apologizing to ME so I can forgive his noisy ass, not so you can look at him as if he makes the sun rise.” 

A sly grin forms on Joe’s face. “Are you sure he doesn’t make the sun rise, Andy?”

“ARGH. It’s not...it’s just… do you have to be so god damned noisey… oh, NEVERMIND! I hate you both”

Andy turns to stalk away, apparently forgetting there’s really nowhere to go. Joe’s smile grows even wider. 

“Nevermind what, Andy?” 

She runs a hand through her hair making it stand up even more. “I shouldn’t have said anything. Be as noisey as you fucking want to be...” 

Joe is not going to let this go. 

“It’s just…?”

Andy lets out a large sigh of defeat and finally spews out the truth. 

“It’s just that YOU TWO ARE TOO DAMN HOT!” 

Nicky snorts and leans forward at this confession, an amused look on his face. His book is now on the floor and Joe knows he’s dogeared the page he was reading so he can return to it when they are done with this interlude. 

“And, Andromache?” Nicky asks almost too politely, his voice shaded with amusement. “Is there something else?”

They both know Andy can’t lie to Nicky. She never has been able to. 

“No.” Her lips are thin and her tone stubborn. But it’s Nicky. 

Maybe it’s that he was a priest. Maybe it’s that Nicky is just too sweet a soul to corrupt with lies and trickery. Joe agrees, although over the centuries he has found numerous ways to corrupt Nicky in the bedroom. Still, never his soul. 

“Andromache?” Nicky is the only one who always uses her full name. She opens her mouth, about to say something then clamps her mouth shut and glares first at Joe, then at Nicky, until finally the truth bursts out. 

“I had to have a wank,” Andy mumbles quickly. 

Joe lets out a loud guffaw at this information. Nicky smiles widely and looks over at Joe, amusement written all over his face. 

“Did you hear that, Joe? You were so good you made our fearless leader have to have a wank.”

“I hate you.” Andy glares at Nicky. 

“I am sure it was really YOU, Nicky. It was no small amount of work to keep you quiet. You left me quite turned on, I can see how Andy might need a wank after that....” 

“I hate you too.” Now she’s glowering in Joe’s direction. 

“Maybe it was your own wanking. You were in quite a state when I fell asleep,” Nicky murmurs, his voice sounding dirty and very sexy, making Joe _want_ him. 

“I hate you BOTH!”

Nicky and Joe both howl with laughter. 

“What’s so funny?” 

All three turn to find Nile standing in the doorway clutching a grease-stained paper bag in one hand. She glances at Joe’s coffee maker sitting on a chipped mug and her face brightens, “Oh, coffee!” 

Joe looks at her. He isn’t going to share his coffee. Only Nicky gets to share his coffee. She’ll pay for wanting his coffee. Joe sucks in a breath, ignores the look of warning Andy is shooting in his direction, and prepares to horrify their newest member. 

“We made Andy have to have a wank at 3 am and now she’s mad at us,” Joe says with a cocky smirk, filling Nile in on what she missed. Nile drops the bag she’s holding onto the floor. Her mouth hangs open as she stares at the three of them. 

“Oh. My. God.” Nile enunciates each word. “First that damn handkerchief…”

“See? Useful.”

Nile ignores Joe.

“Can’t you two just NOT FUCK in the middle of a mission? Or at least can it happen and the three of you NOT TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT?”

All three of them answer at once.

“No,” from Joe.

“Andromache brought it up…” Nicky tries to explain. 

“Believe me, I've tried. Hundreds of years…” Andy moans, “Please don’t quit....” 

“Sex is a normal part of the human experience….” Joe again. 

Nile picks up the bag from the ground and brushes it off. She glares at the three of them. 

“Listen, assholes. I found the contact Copley sent. And pastries. I was going to tell you all about it but then I walked into fucking and wanking talk, and seriously, DO YOU THREE HAVE ANY BOUNDARIES AT ALL?” 

Andy, Joe and Nicky all stare at Nile, who stares back, breathing hard, her nostrils flaring with every exhalation. Andy swallows then turns to look at Nicky and Joe and proceeds to throw them under the bus. 

“Maybe if those two didn’t decide on a not-that-quiet hand job at 3 am that resulted in me needing a wank so I ended up not getting much sleep…” 

“No. Just no.” Nile puts out her hand, palm facing them, in a now familiar gesture. “Y’all are a bunch of weirdos. Can’t you keep some things just a little teensy bit PRIVATE? At this point I would kill you but even that wouldn’t shut you up, so just… just… FUCK OFF. And… and… NO PASTRIES.” 

With that, Nile and her pastries are gone, leaving Andy, Nicky and Joe staring after her. The room is entirely silent and no one says anything for a long moment. Finally Joe clears his throat, the sound breaking the quiet. 

“So,” Joe looks towards Andy, “um, was it good?” 

“Was what good?” Andy looks confused for a moment. 

“Your wank.” Joe holds up his fingers and wiggles them. Andy rolls her eyes.. “Was it good? I am pretty sure Nicky will tell you his was. I know mine was too.” 

Andy grins, a slow sly mischievous smirk that can only mean one thing. 

“Always is,boys… always is.”

~fin~

**Author's Note:**

> Please consider leaving kudos/comments. I like them as much as Joe loves to horrify Nile.


End file.
